The beginning.

My husband and I have been married for over three and a half years. We knew we wanted to have kids. Ever since our early years of dating, (almost 6 years ago, crazy it’s been that long), we’ve talked about our kids and all of the names we liked. So we knew from the beginning that we wanted to fill our home with children. Our first year of marriage we decided to just go with the flow. We weren’t trying to get pregnant, but we also weren’t preventing it either. Less than one month into our marriage I began having severe abdominal pain on my right side. After a long night in the ER, I was told that my right ovary had been twisted up and lost blood supply. So I pretty much had a dead ovary. My doctor didn’t know if he could save it. He ended up removing my ovary and I went home the next day. It was a couple of rough months. Physically, mentally, and especially emotionally. I didn’t feel right at all. I just felt like I could just lay in bed and not do anything, but cry. I went through a rough time. Looking back I was depressed. I had gained some weight, tired all the time, and just didn’t feel like myself. I was just going through the motions. No one could probably tell because I never let it show. My husband is probably the only one that could tell I wasn’t myself. Fast forward a couple of months it’s now May 2017 I go to my doctors office to get a check up, everything is fine. He also reminds me that the odds are still in my favor and that I will still be able to get pregnant with one ovary. So in December of 2017 we start really trying. I timed my ovulation, started taking prenatal vitamins, all the things I needed to do to get pregnant. So we go through each month expecting to see a positive pregnancy test and we never got one. The first couple of months I kinda just blew it off, because you know not everyone is able to get pregnant over night. So month after month I’d feel the hurt in my heart of not being pregnant. Asking God why? Why me? I’m ready. Why can’t it be me? I knew it hurt my husband every month too. And I also knew he was asking God the same questions. These are the same questions I am asking still. Throughout the months of trying in 2018, my husband went ahead and set up a doctors appointment to get himself checked out. All the tests came back normal, nothing is wrong with him. At this point I’m glad, just to know it’s not him. It’s me. If there were anything wrong with either of us I’d want it to be me and not him. I don’t want him to ever feel the way I feel knowing it’s my body that won’t let us start a family. After a long 11 months of trying, I couldn’t wait another month I called my doctor to set up an appointment to see what we’d do next. In November 2018 I began taking medicine to help me ovulate. After the third round of that medicine (3 months) I started taking clomid and also started getting ovidrel injections. I tried clomid for 3 rounds. I had 3 try’s to get pregnant before I had to go see a specialist. I really didn’t want it to come to that. I just didn’t want to be that person who can’t get pregnant on her own. I didn’t want to go through all of the “steps”. Why couldn’t it just work? Each month I took the clomid and got the injection we were hopeful. Hopeful that this was it. Hopeful that we were finally getting our sweet little miracle. Hopeful that both of our heavy hearts would suddenly go away. But life doesn’t work out like we plan. Life is hard. It’s really hard if you can barely see what your future might hold. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, I don’t know what one year will bring, or even 5 years. I do know that I am putting my trust in Jesus. I’m trying to follow His plan, even though it’s really hard to see it through, I am trying.