The beginning.

My husband and I have been married for over three and a half years. We knew we wanted to have kids. Ever since our early years of dating, (almost 6 years ago, crazy it’s been that long), we’ve talked about our kids and all of the names we liked. So we knew from the beginning that we wanted to fill our home with children. Our first year of marriage we decided to just go with the flow. We weren’t trying to get pregnant, but we also weren’t preventing it either. Less than one month into our marriage I began having severe abdominal pain on my right side. After a long night in the ER, I was told that my right ovary had been twisted up and lost blood supply. So I pretty much had a dead ovary. My doctor didn’t know if he could save it. He ended up removing my ovary and I went home the next day. It was a couple of rough months. Physically, mentally, and especially emotionally. I didn’t feel right at all. I just felt like I could just lay in bed and not do anything, but cry. I went through a rough time. Looking back I was depressed. I had gained some weight, tired all the time, and just didn’t feel like myself. I was just going through the motions. No one could probably tell because I never let it show. My husband is probably the only one that could tell I wasn’t myself. Fast forward a couple of months it’s now May 2017 I go to my doctors office to get a check up, everything is fine. He also reminds me that the odds are still in my favor and that I will still be able to get pregnant with one ovary. So in December of 2017 we start really trying. I timed my ovulation, started taking prenatal vitamins, all the things I needed to do to get pregnant. So we go through each month expecting to see a positive pregnancy test and we never got one. The first couple of months I kinda just blew it off, because you know not everyone is able to get pregnant over night. So month after month I’d feel the hurt in my heart of not being pregnant. Asking God why? Why me? I’m ready. Why can’t it be me? I knew it hurt my husband every month too. And I also knew he was asking God the same questions. These are the same questions I am asking still. Throughout the months of trying in 2018, my husband went ahead and set up a doctors appointment to get himself checked out. All the tests came back normal, nothing is wrong with him. At this point I’m glad, just to know it’s not him. It’s me. If there were anything wrong with either of us I’d want it to be me and not him. I don’t want him to ever feel the way I feel knowing it’s my body that won’t let us start a family. After a long 11 months of trying, I couldn’t wait another month I called my doctor to set up an appointment to see what we’d do next. In November 2018 I began taking medicine to help me ovulate. After the third round of that medicine (3 months) I started taking clomid and also started getting ovidrel injections. I tried clomid for 3 rounds. I had 3 try’s to get pregnant before I had to go see a specialist. I really didn’t want it to come to that. I just didn’t want to be that person who can’t get pregnant on her own. I didn’t want to go through all of the “steps”. Why couldn’t it just work? Each month I took the clomid and got the injection we were hopeful. Hopeful that this was it. Hopeful that we were finally getting our sweet little miracle. Hopeful that both of our heavy hearts would suddenly go away. But life doesn’t work out like we plan. Life is hard. It’s really hard if you can barely see what your future might hold. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, I don’t know what one year will bring, or even 5 years. I do know that I am putting my trust in Jesus. I’m trying to follow His plan, even though it’s really hard to see it through, I am trying.

May 17th, 2019

This one was supposed to be it. This month. It was supposed to be the month we finally got a break through. This month was supposed to be the month where we would find out that I was pregnant. Just like all the months before too. But this month was different. It was our last chance with my doctor before I go to a specialist. It was our last round of clomid. Our last round of ovidrel. It was supposed to work, yet I’m left with a negative pregnancy test and two broken hearts. The last two weeks has been the slowest two weeks, which they always are, I should be used to it by now. Throughout these two weeks my husband had a feeling this was it. This was the month. I did too I just didn’t want to project it like he did. I didn’t want to once again get my hopes up, even though I did. I wanted to stay guarded, but deep down I know I’m not guarded at all. I thought that this would be our miracle baby. And right now I feel like that is what it is going to take, a miracle. Two weeks ago when I went to pick up my ovidrel I knew it was going to be a little expensive because our insurance sent us a letter explaining that they weren’t going to cover it any more, which we kind of figured out because the month before we had to pay a little bit more than the month before that. So I go to pick it up and the pharmacist told me it was going to be $476.48. My heart hit the floor board of my car. I told her either way I need it filled and I had to take it so I picked up my other medicine and then drove to the back side of the Walgreens parking lot and had a break down. I didn’t know how we were supposed to pay for this especially given the fact that it might not work. We were literally gambling our money away. So I called my husband to see what we can do. By this time he’s on his way home and I’m still in the Walgreens parking lot. He meets me in the parking lot and we try to figure out what we’re going to do. If we want to use that money for the specialist or just chance it. We decide to go in and talk to the pharmacist. We found it cheaper at Walmart like $200 cheaper so as we’re walking out to go to walmart she calls our name over the intercom. We go back to the pharmacy and the insurance some how covered the medicine. We paid $30. We both knew without even saying it, this was God. We have been put through so much and this was Him reminding us that He is still rooting for us. Our insurance wasn’t supposed to cover it. That’s when we knew that this month was going to be ours. So if I were to get pregnant this month that was going to be our story. We literally had a miracle, but the miracle did not turn out the way we wanted. So now we’re left with the uncertainty of what our future will look like. We don’t know what to expect with this infertility specialist. We don’t know how much harder this road will get. We don’t know when God will give us that tiny little miracle. What I do know is that He hasn’t left our side even though it may feel like it. What I do know is that my husband and I love each other so much that we can get through this trial in our lives. What I do know is that we have support from our family and friends. I also know that we will see the other side of this, even if it seems a little distant. And I know it will be beautiful.

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